Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader