What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.