Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
#oldknees
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
This dude got his own movie?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them