ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”