The most important meal of the day is the next one
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reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Am I having a stroke?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Mornin
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.