middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
this isn’t threatening at all
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.