[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.