The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
waiting for halloween be like:
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Me :
All Day At Night
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone