My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.