I like it thick and deep
Pizza
You Might Also Like
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Only short people can save us
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.