Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.