[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I have never related to a cat more
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT