Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You Might Also Like
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My birthstone is kidney
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.