I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
where the womens at?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
good let them take over I have had enough
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.