Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.