[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Cake!!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads