Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Dolls on drugs
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins