ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake