Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
❤️🦆
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule