ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic