I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
You Might Also Like
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black