[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
