I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!