When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
For those that worship cheese..
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
nice challenge
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.