Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
how much for the angry fruit?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.