[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.