drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
This could’ve been an email.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie