did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
this is me
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I am all good here, 😂😉
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.