Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
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[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad