Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Britain be like
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.