Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin