A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.