Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.