My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games