I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”