Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident