It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.