I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No