*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You Might Also Like
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Bro what is this
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-