If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.