I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost