Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I would like even faster food.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake