Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Breaking news:
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options