My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.