I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird