Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Ugh
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Day 2 of my diet