This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Bros before Ohioes
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably