Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Finally!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations