15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
This will teach them to underestimate me
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Its true…
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.