Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again